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Column Negative Three: Warm-Up Exercises for the Dead - Part One
Welcome to the Prelude to the Countdown to the Ultimate Infinite House of Eddy Currents: Absolute Edition…or something like that. I’ve been wandering around the land of the dead for awhile now, so I’m going to take a little bit of time getting back up to speed. Warm-Up Exercises for the Dead will step-by-step begin bringing me back to life.
1. Biting the Bullet and other Muckraking
If these were in another column, they would probably be accompanied by a giant flashing red light. While floating through ideaspace, I came across these particular nuggets.
Item! I honestly couldn't tell you when DC changed its logo. It really doesn't matter, although I assume it must have been recently since I did purchase a handful of Seven Soldiers books from back in May and they still had the old DC bullet. I thought it interesting to change the branding, especially leading into Infinite Crisis and One Year Later and all that. What with Grant Morrison attempting to do a working to make DC a living, breathing entity (aren't corporations already there, complete with neurolinguistic programming "spells"?), don't be surprised if you start seeing the little star actually spinning around the initials.
Item! It has recently been discovered that Judd Winick, Geoff Johns, and Brad Meltzer are really only the names of the heads on the same three-headed dog, most affectionately known as "Fluffy". Also, you really shouldn't believe all that you hear about his "Pop Magic" or anything from disinfo.con since Morrison has been outed as a muggle. Either that, or I've just been reading too much Harry Potter lately.
Item! Apparently, there's been mainstream vindication of Meltzer's treatment of Sue Dibny in Identity Crisis (a story I've still not read and don't really plan to for the time being). In the new video game, "Destroy All Humans!", there's a weapon to use known as the "anal probe". See, kids, anal rapings are the new monkeys, or pirates, or robots, or whatever it happened to be last week. Maybe zombies?
Item! Speaking of zombies, has anyone thought of with what Marvel are going to follow-up House of M? The rumour going around is that the next step in Marvel's combat against DC's mega-crossovers is a similar mega-crossover between all of Marvel's books in a series completely not influenced by DC in any way at all entitled One Beer Hater. In this storytelling gem, one panel of every Marvel comic in 2006 will be devoted to this crossover. It will feature a scruffy man sitting on a New York City sidewalk, exclaiming, "I hate beer!" It will raise fundamental philosophical questions such as "Where did he come from?", "Where is he going?", and "Why does he hate beer?" In true Marvel fashion, the crossover (which is just going to be the same panel over and over and over again -- as drawn by Joe Quesada, since he doesn't actually have time to do something new each month, although expect delays for not only the first instalment, but every subsequent one as well. Go figure.) will be long, drawn out over the year, have the questions never be answered, and then have it summarily dropped from continuity and ignored for the rest of the company's existence.
Item! You may think that Infinite Crisis is going to be confined to the pages of comic books themselves, but NO! Just as Brian Michael Bendis has apparently brought Paul Jenkins into the pages of New Avengers and Grant Morrison wrote himself into Animal Man many moons ago, the comics world is going to be turned on its ear when Keith Giffen, Marc DeMatteis, and Kevin Maguire are revealed as the ultimate villains in the series. Armed with laughing gas and machetes, in issue four of the seven part series they'll storm the DC offices and cut their way through current editorial who seem to currently be doing the best that they can to shit on every story that the three have ever done. All the time, the three will be shouting, "Who's laughing now?!?" Well, everyone in the DC office without a gas mask, obviously.
Issue Four will actually be the final issue of Infinite Crisis. Any subsequent comics released by DC might finally see publication one year later.
Which brings us to our final "news" item for the day;
Item! It has been finally discovered the fool proof method to write a "love letter" to your favourite comics character, period in comics, or to a creator. First, you set up a major event, kicking it off with said favourite b-list character (or representative of the period or associated strongly with that creator) as he/she tries to solve a mystery that he seems uniquely qualified to solve. Have the character act completely unlike any previous way they've been written anywhere, as it especially helps to make people think you love the character when you put your own "stamp" on them. Ensure that every single other hero decides that your favourite character is a loon and beneath their time, then, on discovery of the source of the mystery or a confrontation with another b-list character also acting unlike any prior representation, you kill them. It doesn't matter if you anally rape them and then accidentally charbroil them with a flamethrower you just happened to be carrying around with you, shoot them in the head or blow them up in a protracted "suicide" sequence; nothing says "I love you" like killing your darlings.
At least, that's the way it is in a world where "Bwa-ha-ha" is something to be looked down upon and thrown in the trash.
2. Classless
I don't like ratings systems.
I think they're fundamentally arbitrary and are solely there for the purpose of either making the reviewer feel like they've actually "judged" a book or for the idiot population who can't suss out whether something is liked or disliked by the body of a review or are just too damn lazy to be bothered. Either way, I'm not going to be putting up a "5 out of 5" or "Best of the Week!" or anything like that.
To kick things back off, I'm going to start off by reviewing two incredibly disparate Warren Ellis titles, JLA Classified #10 and Desolation Jones #1. Now, I know that the second issue of the latter series has been released, but I've not read the book yet. It may come to pass that some of my concerns are addressed in the second issue, in which case, I'll follow-up in a later column.
JLA Classified #10 -- September 2005
Writer: Warren Ellis
Artist: Butch Guice
Colourist: David Baron
Letterer: Phil Balsman
Cover: Michael Stribling
Published by DC Comics | $2.99 US / $4.00 Can
You should partially be astonished that I'm reviewing a comic that actually came out within the past week. This is a first in a very long time. It may also be the only time this happens in this incarnation of my column, since for the most part I'm going to be receiving my comics via mail order.
Apparently, this book has been sitting in someone's sock drawer for awhile, so you'd expect it to be a little moth-eaten. I don't know a damn thing about current DC continuity, so I really wouldn't be able to tell you anything on that front, but in general I found the issue fairly accessible. Over all, though, there isn't much of an issue here, since it follows the general bare bones introduction route. Basically, there are three conflicts, seemingly independent at this point, in Metropolis, Gotham, and Themyscira; there's a spate of suicides of LexCorp employees, a defence industry contractor winds up with a hole through him, and one of Themyscira's islands gets blown up, respectively. Each of which drawing the attention of the cities' appropriate hero. There undoubtedly will be a connection but we're not there yet. Ellis manages to write each of the characters, save Diana who seems like a cardboard cut-out -- but then, she usually seems to be, as well as gets shunted into a "tour guide" role -- fairly well, with Lois and Clark playing off each other nicely and Batman being fairly cold and methodical. His Parry White, although funny, seems like he's more writing J. Jonah Jameson.
The main problem I find with the book is that because Ellis devotes much of the issue to the mere mention of odd deaths going on and the explosion on Themyscira to end on a cliffhanger, there isn't much detail or hook for a mystery itself. The most amount of time is devoted to suicides in Metropolis, but aside from Lois and Clark chewing the scenery, there's really not much there. It's not bad, it's just not very compelling serial storytelling.
The artwork from Butch Guice is a treat, but it's nowhere near as clean as it should be. The last time I saw Guice's artwork it was on Ruse and it was some of the most beautiful comic work at the time, ably abetted by John Dell and Laura DePuy. His work here, although leaps and bounds ahead of his days on the Superman titles in the 90's, is a little bit scratchier. Now, I know it's not solely Guice's linework, but in the colour choices from David Baron. I don't know if it's just the reproduction or what, but most of the book seems awash in ruddy colours. It's almost as he's using a cheap copout of making the colours look dull in order to emphasise the dark nature of Ellis' script.
Add to this, of course, an awful cover and overall you get a fairly disposable comic book. It's basically a by-the-numbers superhero book, odd coming from "the" Warren Ellis. It doesn't sizzle or pop like The Authority nor does it have a slightly twisted slowburn like Transmetropolitan. It hits none of the beats that Ellis is known for and as a result, it's near indistinguishable at this point from anything else sitting on the shelf.
Desolation Jones #1 -- May 2005
Writer: Warren Ellis
Artist/Cover: JH Williams III
Colourist: Jose Villarrubia
Letterer: Todd Klein
Published by DC Comics / WildStorm Signature Series imprint | $2.99 US / $4.00 Can
Desolation Jones, on the other hand, is pretty much a by-the-numbers "signature" Ellis book. It has a disgruntled, cantankerous old British fop, sexy "filthy" assistant, and a fairly twisted story for our view of Jones' world. Not only does Jones end up with a case in order to find a dirty old man's pornography, but it's Hitler porn. Yes, Hitler porn. The characters here seem as though they've been borrowed from Grant Morrison's Invisibles (somewhat apt seeing as though they're all former intelligence agents) and filtered through an even further distorted lens. Ian Fleming and Patrick McGoohan on heroin in a sense.
The more I think of the overall setting, intelligence agents "retired" to Los Angeles after the end of their run (somewhat like The Prisoner only more desolate), the more I see the appeal of it. On the first run through, I was ready to dismiss the book as Ellis on autopilot, hitting all the notes he's hit before, but the overall premise is one that could possibly lend itself to some very interesting stories, Hitler porn notwithstanding. It's kind of like deconstructionist intrigue, instead of deconstructionist superhero, and it just seems to work since the noir sensibilities and the feeling of everything becoming more depraved is already inherent in the genre. I definitely like it.
Although Jones fits the stereotypical Ellis lead in the same mould as Spider Jerusalem, Pete Wisdom, and Jenny Sparks, he actually reminds me more of Spike from Buffy. Maybe it's just the hair, physique, and fact that he runs around with a blanket to hide him from the sun, but the characters seem to share a kinship. Basically, that despite the flaws in moral character, you just can't help but like them.
The art on the book is nothing less than wonderful. It's nowhere near the level of experimentation and sense of pushing the boundaries of design used on Promethea -- from which the art team and editorial are lifted from wholesale --, but it still looks damned good. The book never fails to be visually interesting with JH Williams III, I really can't say enough about the man. He could probably take the most dry, boring news report and make it exciting to look at.
The artwork of the book alone would compel you to pick up the next issue, but thankfully the story as well makes you want to continue on. This one's well worth a look.
3. Everything New is Old Again
I've been thinking recently about Bendis' New Avengers. I've not read a single issue, honestly Marvel comics don't much interest me, but I have seen some of the comments here and there around the online comics community. Including both people supporting the series and those against, a common thread emerges, that being that these "New" Avengers are nothing like the old ones, embody more of a JLA "Big 8" mentality than the sense of "family" that previously permeated the book.
To this I say "bollocks." Actually, I say "bullshit", but I have just been reading a couple comics by Warren Ellis.
If you look at the original Avengers, much like the original Justice League, the team was comprised of "heavy-hitters", characters who had starred in their own books or then-currently starred in their own books. I mean, it was originally The Hulk, Thor, Iron Man, and Ant Man. Although a family dynamic emerged as writers got more nuanced at their storytelling and it grew away from just a conglomeration of the "biggest" characters (as did the Justice League, it was Grant Morrison's revamp that turned the clock back to it just being DC's heavyweights). Although one could certainly argue the logic of including Luke Cage or Spider-Woman in such an argument as rolling back the Avengers to a "heavy-hitter" status, the idea is buttressed against the inclusion of Spider-Man, Wolverine, and The Sentry in addition to the core of Captain America and Iron Man.
Just be happy that I'm not the one who wrote Avengers: Disassembled. You see, I would have killed them all in increasingly inane, disrespectful, and dehumanising ways -- every last Avenger -- and then not bothered to do anything with the franchise ever again. (I guess that would mean I really love the characters, huh?) Let Dan Slott use the Great Lakes Avengers as the "real" Avengers for all I care.
Next: Heroes of Yesteryear
-- d. emerson eddy
d. emerson eddy is dead. No, really. If you continue to read his column over the course of the next twelve instalments, you only have yourself to blame if you wind up absolutely flipping loony. Consider yourself warned.
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