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Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Sneakers O'Toole Fan-Fiction -- With apologies to Seth MacFarlane and Sneakers O'Toole.

In The Room - Hard-Boiled Detective Fiction by Alan David Doane

“I’m not taking my sneakers off,” he said, as he sat down across the table from me. I asked him “What’s your name,” and opened my pad to start taking notes. “I am Sneakers O’Toole,” he said.

This was going to be a tough one. Legally I had no probable cause to force this asshole to take off his sneakers, but without seeing what was going on under them, I had no case, either. “Let’s make this easy on both of us,” I began, trying to seem as reasonable as possible. “If you take those sneakers off, O’Toole, I promise you it’s going to go a lot easier on you.”

“I’m not taking my sneakers off,” he said again. “What part of ‘I am Sneakers O’Toole’ don’t you understand?” Now he was getting hostile. Good. It was time to turn up the heat a little.

“Look, O’Toole,” I said, and he held up his hand as if to cut me off. “Call me ‘Sneakers,’” he said. “I don’t want to call you ‘Sneakers,’” I told him. “I just want to get to the bottom of this.” “Well,” he returned, “How will you find out what you want to know if we can’t be friends? My name is Sneakers O’Toole, Detective, what’s yours?”

Somehow I had lost control of this entire interview. I don’t know if it was his charm, or just the deafening clang of his brass balls there in the confined space of the interrogation room, but I let him lead. “My name is Crocker, Detective Bill Crocker.” He smiled at me across the old, scarred table. “Please to meet you, Bill. I am Sneakers O’Toole. You can call me Sneakers.”

“All right, Sneakers,” I replied. “Is there any chance I could ask you to take your sneakers off?”

He looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully, before slowly returning his stone-cold gaze to mine.

“Not a chance in hell.”



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