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Friday, July 11, 2008

 
Caffeine Dreams #3 -- This awful anthology says it's "for mature readers" right on the cover, but you'll find little of interest if you have the maturity of the average 10 year old or better. It's got three stories in it, all of them awful, and all of them infected with the most gawdawful font choices in the sometimes near-unreadable lettering.

"Shooting Dogs" is the lead story, and has the worst lettering, almost impossible to read. I made the effort so you won't have to, though. A Quentin Tarantino-style three way handgun standoff, terribly drawn and reproduced from the terrible pencils, seems to stem from a severed ear. The story eventually involves two severed ears, as someone seems to take some eye-for-an-eye-type revenge at the story's end, and calling it a story is a kindness.

"The Axe" has above-average amateur art from someone named Aposcar Cruz, who is too good for a sub-amateur offering like Caffeine Dreams.

"Once Upon a Time in the Dark: My Favorite Weapon," the last tale here, is drawn by SOJJ, who the text informs me "hopes [I] enjoyed" the story. I didn't. It's about vampires and werewolves and looks like it was drawn by someone dying after being attacked by both.

House ads in the back promote other titles offered by the publisher, DWAP Productions, which demands that I mention them in the press release that accompanied this wretched apotheosis of excess cash and deficient talent. I'd say to save your money, but you're smart enough to know to avoid a comic like this. I have faith in you.

I tried to find a scan of the cover, but there's nothing online about #3 that I could find, and the art from #s 1 and 2 might deceive you into thinking what you'll find in #3 is better than it is, so no images with this review. If someone from DWAP (the sound a wet turd makes as it lands in my mailbox, I suspect) wants to send me a scan of the cover or art from #3, I'll happily post them.

I can't tell you how depressed it makes me that this review alphabetically is now first in the C section of my reviews archives page. Someone do a comic book called Cabbies or Cads or Cadbury Creme Egg Funnies and send it to me quick. I don't care how bad it is, it has to be better than Caffeine Dreams #3.

Oh, and confidential to DWAP Productions: The link to your MySpace page on your website is seriously screwed up. You would know that if you bothered to click the link after you created it. It's the little details like that, that matter.

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